So much love

   I've pretty much been an open book though my life. My theory is how can people know how good God is if you won't show what He does in your life. I've been so blessed to have a husband that loves me first, after all that's what our family has been built from. When Doug and I were dating I had a doctor tell me because of my neurological issues I would never have children. Working with kids day in and day out, this is all I ever wanted. To grow up find a true love and grow a family, and a large one at that. You can imagine my heart break when the doctor told me this. However I know God is bigger. I'm glad at a young age I knew that as well. We were pleasantly surprised when we found we were pregnant the first time. Not only did we have a baby, but I delivered a 10 plus pound baby. The day after I had Josiah we had a family member come into my hospital room and tell me I should be done having children, cause God knew I wouldn't be able to care for this baby let alone anymore children.
      So it went through the years every time we had another baby I got so sick of the neigh sayers. The comments I've heard is "You can't do this again" Don't you know how this happens" "Don't you have enough...it's time to quit" "Your health can't do it again". This is the reason it has come so hard for me to share my joy and enthusiasm in every pregnancy. If it were up to me I wouldn't tell anyone till the baby's born. My favorite comment was one of someone from our church. We entered the church after having our fifth baby. As I was walking up the steps with new baby in hand someone said to me "Are you finished now?" And my reply "No we're going to have six more." Clearly not everyone shares our view's on having a family. What may be normal for one family isn't normal for all. What I see as a form of worship, another may see as me going off the deep end and losing it. It is something I choose to do, you don't need to understand why.
     Recently we learned we were going to have baby seven. Even though maybe it's not the best time for a baby, we were still thrilled. There have been times in the past that we were expecting that the timing wasn't perfect, but God has always seen us though it! For example when we got pregnant with Joel, Doug and I were on the verge of divorce, God restored us. When I got pregnant with Jada, Doug just got a new job and problems with Joel just came to our attention. God provided the insurance just in time, we learned how to deal with new issues with a special needs son. When we got pregnant with Jonah, we thought we were done having a family, we were taught to love even when it was not the right time. With Doug looking at a possible layoff in Oct, we knew God would provide for our situation.
     Last Saturday my body began to act funny, by Wednesday I realized I was losing our baby. Going though tests that no woman should ever have to endure, by Friday we had lost our little baby. Suddenly all of me began to morn the loss of a dear tender life. Was it a boy or girl?  For sure it would have favored the other kids. All the sudden I missed the laughter that would have been, and the tears I would have kissed away. How could I have so much love for someone I've never met? How could I feel so much love for something about the size of a half dollar? As I shed tears for our little one, God reminded me how much He cares for us. Not only are we small, but He gave his son for us. Even though we seem so small in His eyes our worries and concerns are important to us. In order for us not to suffer an eternity in hell, He has given his most beloved....his own child. If that doesn't say love I don't know what does.
    In closing I would just like anyone that reads this that knows me, if you have nothing kind or consoling, please don't say it to me or to anyone in convorsation. I don't put this up to make for good gossip, or hurtful word that may reach our ears, and remember God hears it all even if it never reaches my ears. If you're just a passer by that happens upon this, be mindful of your words in someones grief, or maybe their joy you may not understand. Not everyone sees things the same, and one day it could be you that is hurt by another words.
Psalm 102
1Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee. 2Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I callanswer me speedily.3 For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.4 My heart is smitten , and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.5 By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.6 I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.7 I watch , and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.8 Mine enemiesreproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me. 9 For I have eatenashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,10Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up , and cast me down . 11 My days are like a shadow that declineth ; and I am withered like grass.12 But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.13 Thou shalt arise , and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come . 14 For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof. 15 So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.16 When the LORD shall build upZion, he shall appear in his glory.17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.19 For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;20 To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;21 To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;22 When the people are gatheredtogether, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.23 He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.24 I said , O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.26 They shall perish , but thou shalt endure : yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed : 27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end . 28 The children of thy servants shall continue , and their seed shall be establishedbefore thee.