Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A Time To Heal

So it was about a week ago since I wrote my last blog.What a week it has been! The Bible tells us there is a time for everything. Even tough it doesn't say a time to heal it does say there is a time for EVERYTHING. It never tells us what is going to happen to us in every season, that's because we all handle things in our life differently. For some reason when life is too much for me to handle I shut down. I don't answer my phone, I don't talk to my family, I only get dressed if necessary. Probably not the best way to handle a situation that isn't going to disappear, but this is what I do. My brain just needs time to process what is going on, or my emotions would lead my life...NO ONE wants that, especially Doug....tick, tick, tick, tick, BOOOOOOMMMM. Yea that would be me.
The thoughts that I've been processing in the last week have been my loss, my relationship with my husband, being a failure, feeling abandon. Not to mention word has come that my husband has been reduced at work (thank God not laid off) which comes with a five dollar an hour reduction in pay. SIGH. Don't know about you, but there are whole years sometimes that my mind and emotions don't have to deal with this much. Add on top of that I'm sooooo tired I could just sleep all day, an my body is still adjusting to hormonal issues. Thinking my desire to sleep may have something with my chronic anemia. I'm also having trouble having the doc I saw last week to check it. Like it would be sooo hard to add it to the blood work they are already checking, I hate the system!
 So how am I handling all of this? Some days well, others not so. One day I cried so hard I ended up with a migraine. This is what led me not to answer my phone, not check my e mail and avoid direct contact with people outside my house. Today I slept till one, thank God the kids didn't have classes today. My dishes have seen better days, as has the rest of my home. House work all together has been put on the back burner. I don't think I've not  been this affectionate with my husband since the years where we almost split. This in no way means we are going to part ways. We each have our ways of dealing with things, unfortunately we both pull back emotionally when under different situations. After all one of the seasons the Bible does speak of is a time not to embrace. We have never pulled back at the same time. We have always risen when the other was down, we're not use to being down at the same time. It's OK we are in the same season at the same time.
   So what keeps me going? My kiddos. Knowing I have to get them fed, I have to keep their education going, I have to make sure they don't kill each other. I know this is just going to last a time. I saw a sign a week ago that has spoken to me strongly. It said "Don't focus so much on what you've lost that you forget what you have." I've greatly been blessed with the six children God has given me! I do mourn for the one I've lost, but push forward for the ones God has allowed me to keep.  I'm tring to show my kids day by day I love them and would do anything for them. Teaching them that even though life isn't always sunshine and roses God is God, He's sovern and in control of everything. Showing them even in hard times my love for them doesn't change. Being an example for their future even though as a couple their dad and I are down, we still love each other, and a relationship with your spouse doesn't end in a hard time. Life can throw you a curve ball, but it marches on. Life is what YOU make it even in the hard times.
   My time to heal may take longer than it may take someone else. You may not understand my grieving, or the way I handle situations in my life, but this is MY time to heal. Who knows where I'll be in a week or a month, but I feel as long as I'm going forward at least I''m not standing still, and for sure not going backwards. Right now is a time to heal, but I know soon I'll have a time to laugh again.


Ecclesiastes 3 (King James Version)

1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:2 A time to be born , and a time to die ; a time to plant , and a time to pluck up that which is planted ; 3 A time to kill , and a time to heal ; a time to break down , and a time to build up ; 4 A time to weep , and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance ; 5 A time to cast awaystones, and a time to gatherstones together ; a time to embrace , and a time to refrain from embracing ; 6 A time to get , and a time to lose ; a time to keep , and a time to cast away ; 7 A time to rend , and a time to sew ; a time to keep silence , and a time to speak ; 8 A time to love , and a time to hate ; a time of war, and a time of peace.9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. 11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice , and to dogood in his life.13 And also that every man should eat and drink , and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth , it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fearbefore him. 15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past .16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there. 17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again . 21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goethupward, and the spirit of the beast that goethdownward to the earth?22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?  

Monday, October 8, 2012

So much love

   I've pretty much been an open book though my life. My theory is how can people know how good God is if you won't show what He does in your life. I've been so blessed to have a husband that loves me first, after all that's what our family has been built from. When Doug and I were dating I had a doctor tell me because of my neurological issues I would never have children. Working with kids day in and day out, this is all I ever wanted. To grow up find a true love and grow a family, and a large one at that. You can imagine my heart break when the doctor told me this. However I know God is bigger. I'm glad at a young age I knew that as well. We were pleasantly surprised when we found we were pregnant the first time. Not only did we have a baby, but I delivered a 10 plus pound baby. The day after I had Josiah we had a family member come into my hospital room and tell me I should be done having children, cause God knew I wouldn't be able to care for this baby let alone anymore children.
      So it went through the years every time we had another baby I got so sick of the neigh sayers. The comments I've heard is "You can't do this again" Don't you know how this happens" "Don't you have's time to quit" "Your health can't do it again". This is the reason it has come so hard for me to share my joy and enthusiasm in every pregnancy. If it were up to me I wouldn't tell anyone till the baby's born. My favorite comment was one of someone from our church. We entered the church after having our fifth baby. As I was walking up the steps with new baby in hand someone said to me "Are you finished now?" And my reply "No we're going to have six more." Clearly not everyone shares our view's on having a family. What may be normal for one family isn't normal for all. What I see as a form of worship, another may see as me going off the deep end and losing it. It is something I choose to do, you don't need to understand why.
     Recently we learned we were going to have baby seven. Even though maybe it's not the best time for a baby, we were still thrilled. There have been times in the past that we were expecting that the timing wasn't perfect, but God has always seen us though it! For example when we got pregnant with Joel, Doug and I were on the verge of divorce, God restored us. When I got pregnant with Jada, Doug just got a new job and problems with Joel just came to our attention. God provided the insurance just in time, we learned how to deal with new issues with a special needs son. When we got pregnant with Jonah, we thought we were done having a family, we were taught to love even when it was not the right time. With Doug looking at a possible layoff in Oct, we knew God would provide for our situation.
     Last Saturday my body began to act funny, by Wednesday I realized I was losing our baby. Going though tests that no woman should ever have to endure, by Friday we had lost our little baby. Suddenly all of me began to morn the loss of a dear tender life. Was it a boy or girl?  For sure it would have favored the other kids. All the sudden I missed the laughter that would have been, and the tears I would have kissed away. How could I have so much love for someone I've never met? How could I feel so much love for something about the size of a half dollar? As I shed tears for our little one, God reminded me how much He cares for us. Not only are we small, but He gave his son for us. Even though we seem so small in His eyes our worries and concerns are important to us. In order for us not to suffer an eternity in hell, He has given his most beloved....his own child. If that doesn't say love I don't know what does.
    In closing I would just like anyone that reads this that knows me, if you have nothing kind or consoling, please don't say it to me or to anyone in convorsation. I don't put this up to make for good gossip, or hurtful word that may reach our ears, and remember God hears it all even if it never reaches my ears. If you're just a passer by that happens upon this, be mindful of your words in someones grief, or maybe their joy you may not understand. Not everyone sees things the same, and one day it could be you that is hurt by another words.
Psalm 102
1Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee. 2Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me: in the day when I callanswer me speedily.3 For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth.4 My heart is smitten , and withered like grass; so that I forget to eat my bread.5 By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin.6 I am like a pelican of the wilderness: I am like an owl of the desert.7 I watch , and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.8 Mine enemiesreproach me all the day; and they that are mad against me are sworn against me. 9 For I have eatenashes like bread, and mingled my drink with weeping,10Because of thine indignation and thy wrath: for thou hast lifted me up , and cast me down . 11 My days are like a shadow that declineth ; and I am withered like grass.12 But thou, O LORD, shalt endure for ever; and thy remembrance unto all generations.13 Thou shalt arise , and have mercy upon Zion: for the time to favour her, yea, the set time, is come . 14 For thy servants take pleasure in her stones, and favour the dust thereof. 15 So the heathen shall fear the name of the LORD, and all the kings of the earth thy glory.16 When the LORD shall build upZion, he shall appear in his glory.17 He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer.18 This shall be written for the generation to come: and the people which shall be created shall praise the LORD.19 For he hath looked down from the height of his sanctuary; from heaven did the LORD behold the earth;20 To hear the groaning of the prisoner; to loose those that are appointed to death;21 To declare the name of the LORD in Zion, and his praise in Jerusalem;22 When the people are gatheredtogether, and the kingdoms, to serve the LORD.23 He weakened my strength in the way; he shortened my days.24 I said , O my God, take me not away in the midst of my days: thy years are throughout all generations.25 Of old hast thou laid the foundation of the earth: and the heavens are the work of thy hands.26 They shall perish , but thou shalt endure : yea, all of them shall wax old like a garment; as a vesture shalt thou change them, and they shall be changed : 27 But thou art the same, and thy years shall have no end . 28 The children of thy servants shall continue , and their seed shall be establishedbefore thee.