The new craze is 50 Shades of Grey, the movie, the book series, blogs, chats, and so much online to peek your interest on them. I have only looked into it enough just to know it is not for me, nor should it be for any Spirit filled woman.
Before you start throwing stones at me let me tell you why I feel the way I do. Something that I really don't like to talk about is some of the things I was into before I turned my life over to Christ. It was not an over night change, rather a continuing change in my life, my actions and my thoughts. I have found to share God's grace I need to open up about who I was before. Even though I was young I knew the difference of right from wrong, but some things were in the grey area and no one would speak about them. Of course I knew that sex (the act) was a sin before marriage. But why was being turned on by sexual images wrong? I wasn't doing anything, there was no act, there was no touching, so it couldn't be wrong.
At the age of 12 I found a pornographic magazine. It only took looking at it ONCE and I wanted to go back for more. How is it that one image could make you feel like that. It wasn't long before it was like a drug to me. I had to find some kind of image once a week, then three times a week, then everyday. It took up room in my head around the clock. It wasn't long before my friends were giving me books that would give the same effect.
Before I even hit middle school my language was fitting in with the material I was reading. I found video's and they were eating my time up. Now you ask where were my parents and why didn't they know. Trust me kids find time to fill their time that their parent's don't know about. This is a danger today with the Internet and so many images pounding our kids. We need to be very open and speak openly and often with our children about them.
The feeling you get while reading books with erotica gives you the SAME feeling as a pornographic magazine or movie. It is very addictive. Before I was far into my teenage years I was addicted. YES addicted it was a high, and I couldn't get enough.
So many Christian woman today if you ask them if pornography is wrong they would say of course it is wrong. But if you ask them if a racy novel is wrong, they see nothing wrong with it because there are no images in a book. The fact is God gave us something better than a movie screen in our minds. When you read a book as a child you can imagine all kinds of things that are on the pages. The same goes for an adult reading a book that is very explicit about sex . You can put yourself in those pages and feel what they are feeling, smell what they are smelling, see things through their eyes. This type of book is the SAME thing as the picture magazines. As a Christian woman we would be ashamed if our own husbands owned it.
So why is any pornography wrong for a Christian? My first point would be for any person Christian or not it is addictive and takes up space in your head you could be giving to something productive. Addictive behavior is never good for you or the people around you. I am no psychologist so I will not get into all the in's and outs of addiction. Next the Word tells us to have a pure mind. Matthew 5:27-28 if you look at someone in lust you have already committed adultery in your heart. The only person you should be looking at with any sexual desire is your husband. In books as well we are putting an image of someone else who is not our husband. Col 3:5 tells us as Christian's our body should be dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry. Notice it says idolatry which is the actual image we are putting in our minds.
The one thing I have so much trouble with the 50 Shades of Grey is the way women are degraded. In a time when women have fought so hard to be where we are today, why would we want to be portrayed in a way a man has no respect for women? What do we find tantalizing about a man abusing a woman, just using her for his own desires and leaves her feeling horrible, for lack of better words. I could go on from everything I've read about this book about how horrible she feels about herself, but I don't want to take up that much real estate on my blog with all the abuse she had to endure (that includes mental abuse). In a day when woman thrive to be empowered, I don't understand how this book can give that to us.
At the age of 15 I turned my life over to Christ. I wish I could tell you that the next day everything was peachy and I kicked the habit of porn. The reality of any addiction even after you give your life to Christ, your flesh still fights against your spirit. I tried very hard to turn from what I knew was wrong, and felt was wrong in my spirit. I felt dirty and empty after looking at images or reading something that I knew I would be ashamed to share with any other person. I never told ANYONE because I was ashamed.
When my husband and I got married I had certain expectation about what sex was. This caused so many issues in our marriage till we figured out that it is NOTHING like what the world was telling us it is. We were married quite a while till I had the nerve to tell my own husband that I still struggled with pornography. It wasn't till I was 24 years old till I put it down for the last time. After years of wrestling with something I knew in my heart was wrong, I finally gave it totally over to God. This drastically changed my life. I had to change my whole way of thinking in my marriage and my relationship with Christ.
I won't get into all the marital problems we had, but I will tell you we were very close to divorce. Was it because of my unreal expectations in our intimate time? Partially yes. I dug into the word and learned what God expected me to be as a wife, and not what the world told me would feel good. I am very private about my intimate time with my husband, but I will tell you if you submit yourself totally to your husband as the Word tells us to, it is very liberating! I with hold nothing, I do not use intimacy over my husbands head. It is not a tool to be used to your advantage, rather it is the bonding agent that holds you together as one.
It was at this time God began to heal my physical body as well. The word tells us what we are to think on. Things that are lovely, things that are of good report, things that are pure. When your thinking changes to align with HIS will it allows Him to do a mighty work in your life. My encouragement and advice is if your mind is not thinking on Philippians 4:8 you need to change things that are taking up space in your mind. Please remember that a house divided against itself can not stand. If you would not be proud to share what you're reading with Jesus himself, maybe you shouldn't be reading it yourself.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Friday, May 30, 2014
Janavieve's miracle part 2
The last conscious moment I have is being in the operating room and having the dr.'s tell me this is it the baby had to come out now. I had never had a baby so early, I was only 34 weeks. They told me they were going to put me under general anesthesia and I should take deep breaths. I breathed as deep as I could thinking if I took real deep breaths I would go out quicker and they could get her out faster. They put something in my IV and I went out with a scream, it burned so badly.
I looked at the clock and it said 12:30, I felt my belly and knew my baby was no longer in me. In a very groggy state of mind I looked to my right and saw a nurse typing on a computer. I pulled myself together as much as I could and asked him how my baby was. Without even looking up from his computer he told me he didn't know anything. Being a mom of six I'm experienced and have bs radar. I looked to my left and saw the anesthesiologist walk in the room. All I wanted to know is how my baby was. You know that look people give you when you are at a funeral of someone you love, the head tilt and the look in their eyes that say they feel bad for your pain? Well that was the look I got from this doctor. I asked him how she was, it's all I wanted was to know how my daughter was. He took my hand and this was his reply "Mrs. Gibson you need to prepare yourself. Last time I saw your daughter she was limp, there was nothing there." I looked at him and shook my head, at this point I was speechless. He had no more information other than that. In my state of grogginess before I went over I must have said something because he told me he could tell I was a woman with strong faith, I barely remember telling everyone in the room that God was in control. Then he asked if he could pray with me. God knows what you need and when you need it.
I found out later that while I was in surgery they shuffled Doug from room to room for four hours and never told him a thing about me or the baby. We were reunited in what would be my room for the next two days. My room filled with doctor's nurses and people who would be flying on lifeflight with Janavieve. They began to tell us how my placenta ruptured and by the time they got into the baby it was hanging on by a hair. When they opened me up and took her out the baby was not breathing and was totally limp. On top of this they had no clue how much and how long she went without while she was still in me. 4lb's 10 oz's Janavive had made her entry into this world. They began to tell us what they thought would be wrong with her IF she lived.
After telling us all the what IF's they proceeded to inform us that they didn't expect her really to live the lifeflight to Danville. Then the hardest question I ever had to answer. If our daughter were to code on the way what would we want them to do. Doug and I had talked about this many times in the past. I looked at the nurse practitioner and told her it would be unfair to her and selfish of Doug and I to keep her if God wanted her. I looked at her with tears flowing down my face and told her that she should let her go home if she codes. I begged them to allow me to be transported with her, but my request was quickly denied.
They wheeled her isolate into my room and told me we needed to be quick, but I could take a peek at her. I told every doctor in that room that if God allowed her to live that they were going to witness a miracle. I couldn't emphasize enough how great our God is. My vision was still very impaired and all I could see was a little head of hair. I asked them if it would be ok for Doug and I to pray over her before they took her. I put my finger in her little hand and this is what I said "Lord we thank you for Janavieve's life. If there is some reason that you need to take her we are ok and at peace with it, BUT if you will allow us to keep her we will care for her and love her. Please send you angels with her in her ride. We pray you are with her and you're will is done with her little life. In Jesus name. Amen." I told her I loved her as the rushed her out of the room. She wasn't even past the threshold of the door and I looked at Doug and told him to go.
Word traveled quickly through our family and friends that we had the baby. That afternoon two of my very best friends came to visit and pray with me. One of them had lost a baby herself full term because of a rupture. When she came in the door I started crying. The first words out of my mouth was "how did you do it?" We shared, cried and prayed together. I was never so happy to have friends as I was at that moment. They traveled a long way to come see me and stayed as long as they could before having to leave. At the end of the night all the nurses who had been there all day came into my room gave me hugs and told me they would be praying.
The next two days were the longest days EVER!! They were trying to get my blood pressure down and get my platelets up. I think I blew every vein in both my arms in those two days. I got very few updates on the baby, all I wanted was to be united with her. Every time Doug would call me with an update it began "well she's alive." I didn't know what was really going on, but I had a strange peace way down in my soul. I knew MY God had this. Through the night I kept waking up and the first words on my lips was "Thank you Jesus." Thanks to some amazing nurses they got me discharged so I could be with my baby by her third day of life.
I learned quickly that even by her third day of life she was surprising her doctors. I had talked to one of them on the phone the day before and told her we were expecting a total miracle for our baby girl. I think they thought my reality was clouded, when the fact is I knew what could have been, but I knew what my God can do, and that is my reality. At one point even our pastor from Rev Tab had gone to pray over her and met some of the doctors. He told them they didn't know our family and God had done miracles in our life before, and He'll do it again.
Within 24 hours she was out breathing the ventilator, which means praise God, I never had to see her on it. Test after test was getting better and better, but they were still warning that her future could be hard. We had been told she could have CP, or retardation along with a list of neurological disorders. I held fast, and still hold fast to the fact God's in control and I'm not going to worry about it.
The next 3 weeks she spent in the NICU which seemed like forever, but in reality was a very short stay. I hardly ever left her bedside unless it was to sleep, eat or go to the bathroom. The whole time she was in my feet were still so swollen I could barely walk, my incision hurt like mad, and my vision still was to the point I couldn't see clearly across a room. What I was going through was nothing compared to what she was going through. Her little face is what got me through everyday. That and the company of my 12 year old daughter who literally kept me together. She would carry my bags and help me put my shoes on, she is such a blessing.
The day came that finally they let us go home. The nurse practitioner that rode with her in lifeflight came to me the night before we went home. She told me she was a miracle and those prayers must have worked. She had seen how bad our baby was and thought there was no hope, and never thought that we would be taking such a healthy baby home, and so soon. Tests they had done and only one came back questionable. That one is the one I still let in God's hands, and it's a biggie. She is home, but still surprising doctors at appointments. I know HE allowed her to live, HE has sustained her life, and HE won't fail her! Only God is the giver of life and only HE will write her future.
.jpg)
I looked at the clock and it said 12:30, I felt my belly and knew my baby was no longer in me. In a very groggy state of mind I looked to my right and saw a nurse typing on a computer. I pulled myself together as much as I could and asked him how my baby was. Without even looking up from his computer he told me he didn't know anything. Being a mom of six I'm experienced and have bs radar. I looked to my left and saw the anesthesiologist walk in the room. All I wanted to know is how my baby was. You know that look people give you when you are at a funeral of someone you love, the head tilt and the look in their eyes that say they feel bad for your pain? Well that was the look I got from this doctor. I asked him how she was, it's all I wanted was to know how my daughter was. He took my hand and this was his reply "Mrs. Gibson you need to prepare yourself. Last time I saw your daughter she was limp, there was nothing there." I looked at him and shook my head, at this point I was speechless. He had no more information other than that. In my state of grogginess before I went over I must have said something because he told me he could tell I was a woman with strong faith, I barely remember telling everyone in the room that God was in control. Then he asked if he could pray with me. God knows what you need and when you need it.
I found out later that while I was in surgery they shuffled Doug from room to room for four hours and never told him a thing about me or the baby. We were reunited in what would be my room for the next two days. My room filled with doctor's nurses and people who would be flying on lifeflight with Janavieve. They began to tell us how my placenta ruptured and by the time they got into the baby it was hanging on by a hair. When they opened me up and took her out the baby was not breathing and was totally limp. On top of this they had no clue how much and how long she went without while she was still in me. 4lb's 10 oz's Janavive had made her entry into this world. They began to tell us what they thought would be wrong with her IF she lived.
After telling us all the what IF's they proceeded to inform us that they didn't expect her really to live the lifeflight to Danville. Then the hardest question I ever had to answer. If our daughter were to code on the way what would we want them to do. Doug and I had talked about this many times in the past. I looked at the nurse practitioner and told her it would be unfair to her and selfish of Doug and I to keep her if God wanted her. I looked at her with tears flowing down my face and told her that she should let her go home if she codes. I begged them to allow me to be transported with her, but my request was quickly denied.
They wheeled her isolate into my room and told me we needed to be quick, but I could take a peek at her. I told every doctor in that room that if God allowed her to live that they were going to witness a miracle. I couldn't emphasize enough how great our God is. My vision was still very impaired and all I could see was a little head of hair. I asked them if it would be ok for Doug and I to pray over her before they took her. I put my finger in her little hand and this is what I said "Lord we thank you for Janavieve's life. If there is some reason that you need to take her we are ok and at peace with it, BUT if you will allow us to keep her we will care for her and love her. Please send you angels with her in her ride. We pray you are with her and you're will is done with her little life. In Jesus name. Amen." I told her I loved her as the rushed her out of the room. She wasn't even past the threshold of the door and I looked at Doug and told him to go.
Word traveled quickly through our family and friends that we had the baby. That afternoon two of my very best friends came to visit and pray with me. One of them had lost a baby herself full term because of a rupture. When she came in the door I started crying. The first words out of my mouth was "how did you do it?" We shared, cried and prayed together. I was never so happy to have friends as I was at that moment. They traveled a long way to come see me and stayed as long as they could before having to leave. At the end of the night all the nurses who had been there all day came into my room gave me hugs and told me they would be praying.
The next two days were the longest days EVER!! They were trying to get my blood pressure down and get my platelets up. I think I blew every vein in both my arms in those two days. I got very few updates on the baby, all I wanted was to be united with her. Every time Doug would call me with an update it began "well she's alive." I didn't know what was really going on, but I had a strange peace way down in my soul. I knew MY God had this. Through the night I kept waking up and the first words on my lips was "Thank you Jesus." Thanks to some amazing nurses they got me discharged so I could be with my baby by her third day of life.
I learned quickly that even by her third day of life she was surprising her doctors. I had talked to one of them on the phone the day before and told her we were expecting a total miracle for our baby girl. I think they thought my reality was clouded, when the fact is I knew what could have been, but I knew what my God can do, and that is my reality. At one point even our pastor from Rev Tab had gone to pray over her and met some of the doctors. He told them they didn't know our family and God had done miracles in our life before, and He'll do it again.
Within 24 hours she was out breathing the ventilator, which means praise God, I never had to see her on it. Test after test was getting better and better, but they were still warning that her future could be hard. We had been told she could have CP, or retardation along with a list of neurological disorders. I held fast, and still hold fast to the fact God's in control and I'm not going to worry about it.
The next 3 weeks she spent in the NICU which seemed like forever, but in reality was a very short stay. I hardly ever left her bedside unless it was to sleep, eat or go to the bathroom. The whole time she was in my feet were still so swollen I could barely walk, my incision hurt like mad, and my vision still was to the point I couldn't see clearly across a room. What I was going through was nothing compared to what she was going through. Her little face is what got me through everyday. That and the company of my 12 year old daughter who literally kept me together. She would carry my bags and help me put my shoes on, she is such a blessing.
The day came that finally they let us go home. The nurse practitioner that rode with her in lifeflight came to me the night before we went home. She told me she was a miracle and those prayers must have worked. She had seen how bad our baby was and thought there was no hope, and never thought that we would be taking such a healthy baby home, and so soon. Tests they had done and only one came back questionable. That one is the one I still let in God's hands, and it's a biggie. She is home, but still surprising doctors at appointments. I know HE allowed her to live, HE has sustained her life, and HE won't fail her! Only God is the giver of life and only HE will write her future.
Janavieve's miracle part 1
Life is a beautiful thing and so often we forget what a miracle having a baby is. We found out first hand how fragile life is and how quickly it could be taken from us. I have always believed that only God is the giver and taker of life. After our experience with our baby girl I believe it now more than ever. The events of March 13th have changed the way I see the birth of a baby and my faith for the rest of my life.
Last July we were thrilled to find out we were expecting another baby. Because of the loss of our precious baby the previous September we decided not to tell anyone. The end on August we told our children and asked them to not tell anyone. They were all thrilled with the idea of a new sibling, except Joel he could care less one way or the other. Anyone that knows Joel knows that is just his personality. We waited till almost Thanksgiving to tell friends and family that we would be welcoming a baby the week of Easter.
The doctors considered my high risk because of my age and the size babies I typically have (between 8 to over 10 lbs). This pregnancy went so smoothly for me. Other than the usual complains of being uncomfortable, pain in my sciatic, and major headache's, this pregnancy was going well. My iron was good, I wasn't puking my guts out, and for the first pregnancy I could actually eat.
At week 23 we had our first ultrasound. I'll never forget the look on Doug's face when the tech told us we were going to have a girl. Neither one of us could believe it, but were thrilled that we were going to have our second daughter. After having five boys, we thought Jada would be the only girl we would have.
Some questions were raised about the baby's size at the ultrasound. The doctors wanted some blood work done to see if I had contracted a virus that would cause me to have a smaller baby. Many appointments were made in the following months to check the baby's size and growth. Everything looked fine. The blood work came back negative for the virus. Over the next few months we watched her week by week grow. We had gone to maternal fetal medicine twice a week until week 33 when they were happy with her growth and told me I didn't need to come for a check up in three weeks. During this whole time I was never worried about the baby. I knew God had her in his hands.
That weekend I had worked maybe a little harder than I should have. By the end of the weekend my ankles were as big as my thighs. Monday I went to the doctor with concerns about all the water I was retaining and pain in my lower abdomen. The doctor had me go to labor and delivery and hooked me up to the non stress machine and took some labs. Two hours later a nurse came in and said labs were good and I wasn't in labor. She asked me if I was ready to leave. I told her if the doctor wasn't going to do anything else there was no sense in sticking around. About a half hour later he came in and told me I could go.
Even after I got home I still felt like something wasn't right. Taking doctors advice I planted my butt on the couch and didn't move, even to make dinner. The kids made dinner and waited on my every need when Doug was at work. I was still in so much pain I caved and took a half a pain pill cause I just couldn't take it anymore. The kids were hungry for a real meal come Wednesday night, so I ordered out. For the first time in a while I was really hungry. I ordered a personal Stromboli and pizza for the kids. The baby was moving fine and everything seemed ok when I went to bed that night.
Four am I woke up for no apparent reason. Usually I would wake up about four or five to go to the bathroom, but I didn't have to go. This was one thing that was concerning me for three days previous to this. I was drinking like a fish, but it seemed everything I was drinking was being retained. I was so swollen at this point I had no dip in the middle of my back, I couldn't bend my knees and I had no ankles. When I woke up I noticed my vision was messed up. I opened my computer thinking if I waste time online I'll get tired and fall back asleep. When I opened my laptop I couldn't see the screen. My computer looked like the words were like looking into a funhouse mirror.
I spent a few minutes waiting for my eyes to focus when I noticed I hadn't felt the baby move. This was very unusual since her active time was when I slept, 4 a.m. was about the time she felt like she was doing aerobics. I got up and started walking the floor and rubbing my belly where her head was sitting (in my upper right side). When this didn't work I went downstairs and got a cold drink and took it upstairs. I was determined to get this little lady to move. I was patient and tried for an hour to get her to give at least a little kick....nothing.
Doug had just drifted off to sleep about 2 hours before I had come running (or as much as running a 7 1/2 month pregnant woman can) down the steps freaking out. I kept yelling over and over again "Doug wake up, something's wrong." Now that I look back at it I can laugh, but this morning I was in no laughing mood when his reply to me was "I'll go check your bed." often I would come and get Doug through the night to remove little bed hogs from my bed. The only thing Doug heard in his sleep was that I was annoyed, so he immediately thought someone had kicked me out of bed. Instead of answering him I proceeded to grab my coat and paw through his drawer for the van keys. Doug looked at me like I was crazy and asked what I was doing. I had the phone in my hand calling my midwife. At this point he was starting to understand something was wrong.
My midwife told me to rush to the nearest emergency room. As I was hanging up Doug was putting his pants on and grabbing his coat. I was so swollen I couldn't get in the van. Doug lifted me in and got in the drivers side. We sat in the van as Doug was going to let the van warm up. I must have had panic in my eyes cause after I told him I was afraid the baby was no longer alive in me, he drove like a mad man to the hospital.
Once I got to the hospital it didn't take long till I was hooked up to a bunch of machines. The next 2 hours was full of poking, prodding and puking on my part. I had one nurse tell me I ruined her for Stromboli for life. Poor Doug sat in the corner sleeping. Once they got the baby's heartbeat he figured the baby was fine. I kept telling the doctors and nurses he just got home from work and to just let him sleep.
Janavieve's heart rate was fine at first. I still wasn't feeling her move. The first time they lost her heart rate I started getting worried. They worked for a while and found it (in the same spot it was before). Dr.'s came in and explained to me they may have to do a C-section, or I may just need to stay for observation for a while, but I shouldn't be worried at this time. It wasn't long before her heart rate dropped to 80. They put the oxygen mask on me and told me to breathe deep. It seems like only seconds passed and her heart rate was gone. With poor Doug still sleeping in the corner they rushed me down the hall for an emergency C-section.
Last July we were thrilled to find out we were expecting another baby. Because of the loss of our precious baby the previous September we decided not to tell anyone. The end on August we told our children and asked them to not tell anyone. They were all thrilled with the idea of a new sibling, except Joel he could care less one way or the other. Anyone that knows Joel knows that is just his personality. We waited till almost Thanksgiving to tell friends and family that we would be welcoming a baby the week of Easter.
The doctors considered my high risk because of my age and the size babies I typically have (between 8 to over 10 lbs). This pregnancy went so smoothly for me. Other than the usual complains of being uncomfortable, pain in my sciatic, and major headache's, this pregnancy was going well. My iron was good, I wasn't puking my guts out, and for the first pregnancy I could actually eat.
At week 23 we had our first ultrasound. I'll never forget the look on Doug's face when the tech told us we were going to have a girl. Neither one of us could believe it, but were thrilled that we were going to have our second daughter. After having five boys, we thought Jada would be the only girl we would have.
Some questions were raised about the baby's size at the ultrasound. The doctors wanted some blood work done to see if I had contracted a virus that would cause me to have a smaller baby. Many appointments were made in the following months to check the baby's size and growth. Everything looked fine. The blood work came back negative for the virus. Over the next few months we watched her week by week grow. We had gone to maternal fetal medicine twice a week until week 33 when they were happy with her growth and told me I didn't need to come for a check up in three weeks. During this whole time I was never worried about the baby. I knew God had her in his hands.
That weekend I had worked maybe a little harder than I should have. By the end of the weekend my ankles were as big as my thighs. Monday I went to the doctor with concerns about all the water I was retaining and pain in my lower abdomen. The doctor had me go to labor and delivery and hooked me up to the non stress machine and took some labs. Two hours later a nurse came in and said labs were good and I wasn't in labor. She asked me if I was ready to leave. I told her if the doctor wasn't going to do anything else there was no sense in sticking around. About a half hour later he came in and told me I could go.
Even after I got home I still felt like something wasn't right. Taking doctors advice I planted my butt on the couch and didn't move, even to make dinner. The kids made dinner and waited on my every need when Doug was at work. I was still in so much pain I caved and took a half a pain pill cause I just couldn't take it anymore. The kids were hungry for a real meal come Wednesday night, so I ordered out. For the first time in a while I was really hungry. I ordered a personal Stromboli and pizza for the kids. The baby was moving fine and everything seemed ok when I went to bed that night.
Four am I woke up for no apparent reason. Usually I would wake up about four or five to go to the bathroom, but I didn't have to go. This was one thing that was concerning me for three days previous to this. I was drinking like a fish, but it seemed everything I was drinking was being retained. I was so swollen at this point I had no dip in the middle of my back, I couldn't bend my knees and I had no ankles. When I woke up I noticed my vision was messed up. I opened my computer thinking if I waste time online I'll get tired and fall back asleep. When I opened my laptop I couldn't see the screen. My computer looked like the words were like looking into a funhouse mirror.
I spent a few minutes waiting for my eyes to focus when I noticed I hadn't felt the baby move. This was very unusual since her active time was when I slept, 4 a.m. was about the time she felt like she was doing aerobics. I got up and started walking the floor and rubbing my belly where her head was sitting (in my upper right side). When this didn't work I went downstairs and got a cold drink and took it upstairs. I was determined to get this little lady to move. I was patient and tried for an hour to get her to give at least a little kick....nothing.
Doug had just drifted off to sleep about 2 hours before I had come running (or as much as running a 7 1/2 month pregnant woman can) down the steps freaking out. I kept yelling over and over again "Doug wake up, something's wrong." Now that I look back at it I can laugh, but this morning I was in no laughing mood when his reply to me was "I'll go check your bed." often I would come and get Doug through the night to remove little bed hogs from my bed. The only thing Doug heard in his sleep was that I was annoyed, so he immediately thought someone had kicked me out of bed. Instead of answering him I proceeded to grab my coat and paw through his drawer for the van keys. Doug looked at me like I was crazy and asked what I was doing. I had the phone in my hand calling my midwife. At this point he was starting to understand something was wrong.
My midwife told me to rush to the nearest emergency room. As I was hanging up Doug was putting his pants on and grabbing his coat. I was so swollen I couldn't get in the van. Doug lifted me in and got in the drivers side. We sat in the van as Doug was going to let the van warm up. I must have had panic in my eyes cause after I told him I was afraid the baby was no longer alive in me, he drove like a mad man to the hospital.
Once I got to the hospital it didn't take long till I was hooked up to a bunch of machines. The next 2 hours was full of poking, prodding and puking on my part. I had one nurse tell me I ruined her for Stromboli for life. Poor Doug sat in the corner sleeping. Once they got the baby's heartbeat he figured the baby was fine. I kept telling the doctors and nurses he just got home from work and to just let him sleep.
Janavieve's heart rate was fine at first. I still wasn't feeling her move. The first time they lost her heart rate I started getting worried. They worked for a while and found it (in the same spot it was before). Dr.'s came in and explained to me they may have to do a C-section, or I may just need to stay for observation for a while, but I shouldn't be worried at this time. It wasn't long before her heart rate dropped to 80. They put the oxygen mask on me and told me to breathe deep. It seems like only seconds passed and her heart rate was gone. With poor Doug still sleeping in the corner they rushed me down the hall for an emergency C-section.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Motion of Mercy
The last few months have been crazy, but at the same time blessed. As most know that have read my previous blogs Doug was laid off in January. As a result of that (because insurance was going to laps) I had major surgery to fix an issue that was preventing me to eat for the last seven years. My surgery was scheduled for the same day as Jada's birthday. I felt so bad, but I had no choice. Between Doug not working, and me being laid up in bed our lives have been less than normal. Doug took on the role of full time cook, clean, educator, nurse maid ect...
When you have a house full of little mouths your first concern is always making sure belly's are full. Second you worry about keeping a roof over their heads, heat in the house and all the other expenses of having a family that fall under that. Through this time God has been faithful to his word. Phil 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to is glorious riches in Christ Jesus". I can't tell you how may times we didn't know where money for bills would come from, but somehow it was there. Our freezer and cupboards have been full, sometimes overflowing. Even the small things you think are small, God has taken care of. My boys were given hair cuts at an affordable price, two ladies from the church came and cleaned my kitchen, and straightened my living room. When I was in the hospital Doug would not leave my side, not even to eat. Someone we didn't even know brought Doug a hot meal and snacks to get him though the rest of the day. God has shown us time and time again He has not forgotten us.
So what is the motion of mercy? It's keeping the cycle going that has been started. The mercy that has been given to you....you show to someone else. So how do you do that when you don't have much money to give? So many people think that a blessing needs to come though money, while sometimes that's true, money is not the only way to give. I've been blessed with talents God has given my hands. Recently I started painting on canvas, and finding I'm...not great, but not bad either. I've given some of these as gifts. While this is not the way I'm use to giving, and maybe it's not as big of a blessing as what I have received, I pray it still blesses someone. There are so many other ways you can give. Check in on an elderly neighbor, offer to babysit for a busy mom, take a turn in your churches nursery, take someone sick a meal....the list goes on. This keeps mercy in motion.
This brings us to the last 24 hours. I promised Jada a special day since my surgery was on her birthday. When I found out that Francescia Battistelli was coming to our area I knew this would make up for her birthday. Jada listens mostly to three artists, Franny being her first choice every time. I learned they were selling VIP tickets and went online and bought them right away. Francescia has been such a blessing by being a Godly role model for my daughter, I had to do something special for her. We took a gift bag for her with us to the concert last night. Without all the minor details of what was in the gift bag, the one thing we gave her was one of my paintings. Jada was so shy she couldn't give it to her, then asked her if we could get a picture with her. Jada's dream of meeting someone she looks up to came to pass. We took our seats and were enjoying the concert. During intermission a man came up to us and handed us a bag with all kind of Franny goodies were in it. Blessed again, there were shirts, and wrist bands all kind of goodies that I couldn't afford to buy Jada, They all had been given to her. What I thought was a little thing (giving a painting and other little goodies) came back as a HUGE blessing I wasn't expecting. Little is much when God is in it. When we got home we found that Francescia had liked the painting so much she tweeted about it.
Next time you're thinking about doing something for someone, but maybe you think it's small and unimportant, let me encourage you to do it. You may find that keeping mercy in motion may not only end up blessing them, but it might bless you too.
So what is the motion of mercy? It's keeping the cycle going that has been started. The mercy that has been given to you....you show to someone else. So how do you do that when you don't have much money to give? So many people think that a blessing needs to come though money, while sometimes that's true, money is not the only way to give. I've been blessed with talents God has given my hands. Recently I started painting on canvas, and finding I'm...not great, but not bad either. I've given some of these as gifts. While this is not the way I'm use to giving, and maybe it's not as big of a blessing as what I have received, I pray it still blesses someone. There are so many other ways you can give. Check in on an elderly neighbor, offer to babysit for a busy mom, take a turn in your churches nursery, take someone sick a meal....the list goes on. This keeps mercy in motion.
This brings us to the last 24 hours. I promised Jada a special day since my surgery was on her birthday. When I found out that Francescia Battistelli was coming to our area I knew this would make up for her birthday. Jada listens mostly to three artists, Franny being her first choice every time. I learned they were selling VIP tickets and went online and bought them right away. Francescia has been such a blessing by being a Godly role model for my daughter, I had to do something special for her. We took a gift bag for her with us to the concert last night. Without all the minor details of what was in the gift bag, the one thing we gave her was one of my paintings. Jada was so shy she couldn't give it to her, then asked her if we could get a picture with her. Jada's dream of meeting someone she looks up to came to pass. We took our seats and were enjoying the concert. During intermission a man came up to us and handed us a bag with all kind of Franny goodies were in it. Blessed again, there were shirts, and wrist bands all kind of goodies that I couldn't afford to buy Jada, They all had been given to her. What I thought was a little thing (giving a painting and other little goodies) came back as a HUGE blessing I wasn't expecting. Little is much when God is in it. When we got home we found that Francescia had liked the painting so much she tweeted about it.
Next time you're thinking about doing something for someone, but maybe you think it's small and unimportant, let me encourage you to do it. You may find that keeping mercy in motion may not only end up blessing them, but it might bless you too.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
March For Life
Since the loss of our baby in September I've become much more passionate about things in this life. One thing is life it's self and protecting the gift that it is. I've always been pro life, but not with the passion that I've had recently. Fact is life is a gift only God should be able to give or take, and taking a life is murder!
When Doug was layed off I said jokingly to him "We should got to the March For Life". I knew full well this was not number one affordable for us, and number two it would be a strain on our only working vehicle. My wonderful husband knew my heart and told me if I could find a ride I could go. I didn't think that would be possible either, at this point I was sure all the people I knew that were taking buses would be full. Tuesday night I made calls and face book posts looking for a ride. At this point it was still an impossible desire and was sure I would be watching the news reports from the comfort of my own home for another year.
I believe when it is the right time for something in your life to happen it will. Thursday night I got a phone call from my friends husband telling me they had room, and if I wanted to bring Josiah they had room for him as well. I was excited for the opportunity and told him both of us would be there to catch the bus at 6:30. My stomach had been very acidic all day Wednesday and I really didn't feel well. I was sure it was just another passing episode from my hernia and by morning it would be gone.
I had no clue what I was expecting to get out of this experience, but I could tell by the feeling in my spirit early in the morning it was going to be a powerful day. When I woke Thursday morning my stomach was still reeling. I had only gotten about three hours of sleep, partly because I was excited to go and the other part was the amount of acid in my stomach. Josiah and I got dressed in as many layers as we could get on, but because I'm at the end of my laundry for the week neither of us could find socks. At Christmas time all the other kids got gloves but because of the size of Josiah's hands, the gloves we got him were way too small. Needless to say not only to say we didn't have gloves either. At any rate we warmed the van up and started our journey at 5:45 with the first leg of our journey to Stillwater Christian Church to catch their bus.
We climbed on the bus and got seats next to our good friends the Bakers. Someone gave us a blanket and a pair of gloves just right to fit Josiah's big hands. Once everyone was all settled in we began in prayer. God spoke into my spirit and told me this would be the day I would become a voice for one that was never allowed to have one. I know my kids think I'm a big bawl bag, but when I feel something bigger than me, I can't help to be moved to tears. This was just the beginning of a multitude of feelings that would flood my day.
We stopped at Burger King for breakfast. My stomach still twisting and turning I was happy to be stopping for a bite to eat, maybe putting something in it would calm it. I guess I must have been pretty eager to get off the bus cause missed all three steps and ended up at the bottom of them on my rear end. Josiah just looked down at me like to say "really mom" while I sat there laughing at myself, I looked at him and said "well are you going to give me a hand". After brushing myself off and trying to walk in BK with some dignity, we ordered our breakfast. The only thing that looked non greasy was oatmeal and fruit. I'm no food critic, but it was misleading and tasted horrible. This made me feel worse than before we stopped. At our next stop I bought some gram crackers hoping that would help. It settled it for the time being, but I still wasn't feeling the best.
We arrived in Washington at noon. It was quite a bit warmer than when we left PA, but still cold. The woman that organized the trip insisted that I take a blanket and wrap around myself because I didn't have gloves. We had a considerable walk from our parking area to the metro rail.Once off the metro rail we had another good sized walk from there to the rally. By the time we got there the rally was finishing up and the march was ready to begin. I was a bit bummed because I was very much looking forward to the speakers that were lined up to speak. A young man sang "God Bless America", and again I was brought to tears. For some reason every time I hear those words sang it brings tears to my eyes. We gathered in our small circle of 23 and all prayed before we began to march.
I think we were the last ones to get in the line, in the street we started in. Just like a traffic jam even though the front of the line moves, it doesn't mean the back will for quite some time. We were quite a distance from where the march's official start line was. About an hour after waiting we began to move. However in that hour there was plenty of excitement around us to keep us entertained. Many groups around us began chanting around us things like "We love babies yes we do. We love babies how about you." and another group would reply back. So many young people excited to stop the killing of the innocent, gave me hope for future generations. This current generation reminds me of the scriptures in Isiah 59. No one cares what's true and honest. Lawsuits are created in lies just like Roe V Wade. The lawyers that pursued that case did it for their own agenda. If you read "Jane Roe's" book you will understand exactly how this case came about, and how now she is a pro life advocate. They do this to shed innocent blood. Maybe with youth like this we may have a chance to redeem our nation.
Once we began moving the pace was slow. Just as we started the wind started whipping and snow began falling. Thanks to our neon yellow-green hats we were able to spot each other quickly, and when would get separated, would stop and regroup. We were shoulder to shoulder with people we didn't know, but everyone was well mannered, and many smiles and pleasantries were passed back and forth. Many times I have little or no patients for big crowds, but this one seems much different than any other I had been in.; no one was rude, or pushy.
After our second or third turn I began to hurt. My joints didn't want to move and I felt frozen, not because of the cold, but the pain that began to shoot all over my body. It was about this time we passed a group that had a running video of an abortion being performed. I looked up just to see the arm being ripped off a nine week fetus. I pulled the blanket over my head and began to sob. Just as we turned the corner again was another large poster of pictures of aborted babies, up to 24 weeks. They were thrown away like garbage. The pain through my body began to intensify, my friend Lisa kept encouraging me I could do it. Every time I felt like sitting on the ground I would pray for strength. Every time someone would ask me how I was I tried to smile and tell them "I'm getting there".
After seeing those images I told the Lord I just couldn't take one more step. I felt strong in my spirit the reason I was doing this march. We have been given certain rights in this nation including "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" these babies were never given any of their rights, the one they had (life) was taken from them. These babies never had a chance to make a walk like this, they never got the chance to feel the joys or the pains of life. If I could stand in the gap and give just one of them a voice, I needed to finish this.
The next corner we turned were women standing in a line in the middle of the street. They all had signs telling how abortion had hurt them. I wanted to wrap them all in my arms and make their hurt go away. I looked as many as I could right in the face. By the time I came to the end of their line, I had to pull my blanket over my head again because all I could do was sob. As I reached the Senate building a man was standing on the corner. He must have seen the pain on my face. He patted my back and said "you can do it, you're almost there". This gave me the final boost I needed to get to the end. As I reached the Supreme Court building I remembered, last time I was in D.C. I had to get around in a wheel chair, again I began to cry. God has been so good to me, the feeling He gave me at the end of this march, I could never put into words.
Even though the pain was great I managed not only to walk all the way back to the metro, but also back to the bus. Thanks LARGELY to Josiah and Lisa. Literally Lisa gave me a good push back up the hill to get to the bus. I took two pain pills and crashed on Josiah's shoulders on the way back. My stomach was still hurting so badly, I wasn't thrilled about the thought of stopping at a buffet for dinner. I knew I needed to try to get something into myself though. Because of the weather we ended up stopping at Arby's instead. I managed to get down a small sandwich, and some green tea.
Back on the road, next stop home....not so much. Next stop was special, just for me. About an hour after we had dinner I knew I was going to be sick. We won't go into detail, but the acid had gone through me on both ends. About an hour and a half later we were back to where we picked up the bus in the morning. Josiah and I jumped in the van. Because of the snow the roads were pretty bad. It took us about an hour to get home. I jumped in the tub and reflected on my day.
Even though I ended up with a bruised rear end, a sore body, and fluids of a vial nature pouring from my body, I don't regret my trip. I was given a life to live, I'm thankful to my mother for respecting my life by giving birth to me. I'm thankful God has given me the ability to walk, and in His continuing to heal my body. Finally I'm trusting in Him to take care of my acid issues in my body, weather that be by Divine intervention, or though the wisdom He gives to a doctor. My fight will continue to abolish abortion. My passion for life greater now than ever before.
When Doug was layed off I said jokingly to him "We should got to the March For Life". I knew full well this was not number one affordable for us, and number two it would be a strain on our only working vehicle. My wonderful husband knew my heart and told me if I could find a ride I could go. I didn't think that would be possible either, at this point I was sure all the people I knew that were taking buses would be full. Tuesday night I made calls and face book posts looking for a ride. At this point it was still an impossible desire and was sure I would be watching the news reports from the comfort of my own home for another year.
I believe when it is the right time for something in your life to happen it will. Thursday night I got a phone call from my friends husband telling me they had room, and if I wanted to bring Josiah they had room for him as well. I was excited for the opportunity and told him both of us would be there to catch the bus at 6:30. My stomach had been very acidic all day Wednesday and I really didn't feel well. I was sure it was just another passing episode from my hernia and by morning it would be gone.
I had no clue what I was expecting to get out of this experience, but I could tell by the feeling in my spirit early in the morning it was going to be a powerful day. When I woke Thursday morning my stomach was still reeling. I had only gotten about three hours of sleep, partly because I was excited to go and the other part was the amount of acid in my stomach. Josiah and I got dressed in as many layers as we could get on, but because I'm at the end of my laundry for the week neither of us could find socks. At Christmas time all the other kids got gloves but because of the size of Josiah's hands, the gloves we got him were way too small. Needless to say not only to say we didn't have gloves either. At any rate we warmed the van up and started our journey at 5:45 with the first leg of our journey to Stillwater Christian Church to catch their bus.
We climbed on the bus and got seats next to our good friends the Bakers. Someone gave us a blanket and a pair of gloves just right to fit Josiah's big hands. Once everyone was all settled in we began in prayer. God spoke into my spirit and told me this would be the day I would become a voice for one that was never allowed to have one. I know my kids think I'm a big bawl bag, but when I feel something bigger than me, I can't help to be moved to tears. This was just the beginning of a multitude of feelings that would flood my day.
We stopped at Burger King for breakfast. My stomach still twisting and turning I was happy to be stopping for a bite to eat, maybe putting something in it would calm it. I guess I must have been pretty eager to get off the bus cause missed all three steps and ended up at the bottom of them on my rear end. Josiah just looked down at me like to say "really mom" while I sat there laughing at myself, I looked at him and said "well are you going to give me a hand". After brushing myself off and trying to walk in BK with some dignity, we ordered our breakfast. The only thing that looked non greasy was oatmeal and fruit. I'm no food critic, but it was misleading and tasted horrible. This made me feel worse than before we stopped. At our next stop I bought some gram crackers hoping that would help. It settled it for the time being, but I still wasn't feeling the best.
We arrived in Washington at noon. It was quite a bit warmer than when we left PA, but still cold. The woman that organized the trip insisted that I take a blanket and wrap around myself because I didn't have gloves. We had a considerable walk from our parking area to the metro rail.Once off the metro rail we had another good sized walk from there to the rally. By the time we got there the rally was finishing up and the march was ready to begin. I was a bit bummed because I was very much looking forward to the speakers that were lined up to speak. A young man sang "God Bless America", and again I was brought to tears. For some reason every time I hear those words sang it brings tears to my eyes. We gathered in our small circle of 23 and all prayed before we began to march.
I think we were the last ones to get in the line, in the street we started in. Just like a traffic jam even though the front of the line moves, it doesn't mean the back will for quite some time. We were quite a distance from where the march's official start line was. About an hour after waiting we began to move. However in that hour there was plenty of excitement around us to keep us entertained. Many groups around us began chanting around us things like "We love babies yes we do. We love babies how about you." and another group would reply back. So many young people excited to stop the killing of the innocent, gave me hope for future generations. This current generation reminds me of the scriptures in Isiah 59. No one cares what's true and honest. Lawsuits are created in lies just like Roe V Wade. The lawyers that pursued that case did it for their own agenda. If you read "Jane Roe's" book you will understand exactly how this case came about, and how now she is a pro life advocate. They do this to shed innocent blood. Maybe with youth like this we may have a chance to redeem our nation.
Once we began moving the pace was slow. Just as we started the wind started whipping and snow began falling. Thanks to our neon yellow-green hats we were able to spot each other quickly, and when would get separated, would stop and regroup. We were shoulder to shoulder with people we didn't know, but everyone was well mannered, and many smiles and pleasantries were passed back and forth. Many times I have little or no patients for big crowds, but this one seems much different than any other I had been in.; no one was rude, or pushy.
After our second or third turn I began to hurt. My joints didn't want to move and I felt frozen, not because of the cold, but the pain that began to shoot all over my body. It was about this time we passed a group that had a running video of an abortion being performed. I looked up just to see the arm being ripped off a nine week fetus. I pulled the blanket over my head and began to sob. Just as we turned the corner again was another large poster of pictures of aborted babies, up to 24 weeks. They were thrown away like garbage. The pain through my body began to intensify, my friend Lisa kept encouraging me I could do it. Every time I felt like sitting on the ground I would pray for strength. Every time someone would ask me how I was I tried to smile and tell them "I'm getting there".
After seeing those images I told the Lord I just couldn't take one more step. I felt strong in my spirit the reason I was doing this march. We have been given certain rights in this nation including "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" these babies were never given any of their rights, the one they had (life) was taken from them. These babies never had a chance to make a walk like this, they never got the chance to feel the joys or the pains of life. If I could stand in the gap and give just one of them a voice, I needed to finish this.
The next corner we turned were women standing in a line in the middle of the street. They all had signs telling how abortion had hurt them. I wanted to wrap them all in my arms and make their hurt go away. I looked as many as I could right in the face. By the time I came to the end of their line, I had to pull my blanket over my head again because all I could do was sob. As I reached the Senate building a man was standing on the corner. He must have seen the pain on my face. He patted my back and said "you can do it, you're almost there". This gave me the final boost I needed to get to the end. As I reached the Supreme Court building I remembered, last time I was in D.C. I had to get around in a wheel chair, again I began to cry. God has been so good to me, the feeling He gave me at the end of this march, I could never put into words.
Even though the pain was great I managed not only to walk all the way back to the metro, but also back to the bus. Thanks LARGELY to Josiah and Lisa. Literally Lisa gave me a good push back up the hill to get to the bus. I took two pain pills and crashed on Josiah's shoulders on the way back. My stomach was still hurting so badly, I wasn't thrilled about the thought of stopping at a buffet for dinner. I knew I needed to try to get something into myself though. Because of the weather we ended up stopping at Arby's instead. I managed to get down a small sandwich, and some green tea.
Back on the road, next stop home....not so much. Next stop was special, just for me. About an hour after we had dinner I knew I was going to be sick. We won't go into detail, but the acid had gone through me on both ends. About an hour and a half later we were back to where we picked up the bus in the morning. Josiah and I jumped in the van. Because of the snow the roads were pretty bad. It took us about an hour to get home. I jumped in the tub and reflected on my day.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Tis The Season
This is the season of cheer and giving and family, and in my house baking, and crafting, and all those merry things that come along with this time of year. This season started out happy and cheerful, after all it is my favorite time of year. We got our tree a few days after Thanksgiving. the kids were so excited when we walked in the door and surprised them with a tree. Doug put in up and the kids and I put "snow" on it. We decided to put clear lights on this year. We thought we would avoid any ornament breakage, so we went out and bought two small things of plastic ornaments, one blue, one silver. Looked like a petty classy tree. I got the feeling the night we put it up we were going to have a battle on our hands with Judah. While we were still putting the "snow" on, he was taking it right back off. Sigh...the joys of a two year old. Maybe it was just that we were playing with the tree, he thought he had to, too....or maybe not. In the days to come the tree was bald, no snow, no balls, and the needles started falling off too....talk about a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, that's what it was turning into.
Ok so the tree was looking bad, doesn't mean Christmas is ruined right. I started to go though my budget to see how much money we would have to spend on Christmas. Every year I try to shift things around in our budget so that Doug's last check before Christmas, we have a few extra bucks to go shopping. Looking over our bills, our shut off notices and what had to be paid I quickly realized there would be no wiggle room to spend ANYTHING...and our grocery bill has been growing tighter and tighter so it seems every week. How is it this crew can polish off a $10 tub of p-nut butter and four loaves of bread in 48 hours? It's not like that was the ONLY food I had in the house, but this is what they chose to target this week. It's ok I had one last reserve.
Every year starting in the spring I start filling my closet with gifts. I see things on sale I know the kids would like, and put them back for Christmas. This always fills in the gaps at Christmas time. I went up to my closet the beginning of this week to see what was in my reserve. I make sure things are fair for everyone at Christmas time. I am careful and calculate right down to the dollar for every kid (and Doug too). Ok first on the list Doug $100 not bad, Josiah $100 so far so good, Joel $100 I'm really doing good. Then I get to Jada $17, Jonah $12, Josh $55 (little better), Judah $0. How could I have not gotten Judah a single thing all year? How do I make this right? What can I do to give the kids a decent and fair Christmas....all the questions brewing in the back of my mind.
Like any good parent I started brain storming. What can I do, where could I get money? I baby sitt our neighbor kids every morning. They owe me for about 13 weeks, maybe I could ask. Doug and I went over and asked, still waiting on an answer. Well maybe we could get a big gift though Rent A Center and pay it off when tax money comes. Checked and it really was a bad deal. So it would seem, every avenue was a dead end. Then during the kids classes yesterday our internet, phone and cable all were turned off. I called them begging to let it on till Friday. I explained it is in my budget for Friday, but I only have 20 bucks to my name till then. Not only will my kids be truant from school, but I have no way of calling our FSC to tell her our inter net is out....no deal. They really didn't care and the only way to get it turned on was to pay in full. After talking to one dept after another they agreed to turn it on for a deposit of $50. Well that could have as well been a million, cause I didn't have it. After scraping every corner of our house for change and taking a pair of jeans we got Josiah back to Kmart, we put it together. While in all the craziness of the day, Josiah saw his one and only gift I got that would have surprised any of the kids with, a WII guitar.
Officially I was bah humbugged!!! When will I ever learn when all circumstances in life seem impossible, that's when God shows up. I got this message last night "
Guess what?!!! A wonderful woman from our church contacted Mike yesterday and wanted to know of a family..her family could bless. And guess who that's going to be??? YOU! You are getting target, walmart, and whatever else gift cards coming your way!!!!!!!!!! Jehovah Jireh!!! Get up and dance girl!" I don't know how much it is,(nor do I care) all I know is I'm humbled. Today I went to the mailbox and there was a check in a Christmas card from my dad and his fiancee. Once again God has let us know HE has not forgotten us. NO ONE knew what we had been going through!! HE saw and HE knew. He never stops showing me this, I don't know why I doubt! Thank you Lord for you continued blessings!
Ok so the tree was looking bad, doesn't mean Christmas is ruined right. I started to go though my budget to see how much money we would have to spend on Christmas. Every year I try to shift things around in our budget so that Doug's last check before Christmas, we have a few extra bucks to go shopping. Looking over our bills, our shut off notices and what had to be paid I quickly realized there would be no wiggle room to spend ANYTHING...and our grocery bill has been growing tighter and tighter so it seems every week. How is it this crew can polish off a $10 tub of p-nut butter and four loaves of bread in 48 hours? It's not like that was the ONLY food I had in the house, but this is what they chose to target this week. It's ok I had one last reserve.
Every year starting in the spring I start filling my closet with gifts. I see things on sale I know the kids would like, and put them back for Christmas. This always fills in the gaps at Christmas time. I went up to my closet the beginning of this week to see what was in my reserve. I make sure things are fair for everyone at Christmas time. I am careful and calculate right down to the dollar for every kid (and Doug too). Ok first on the list Doug $100 not bad, Josiah $100 so far so good, Joel $100 I'm really doing good. Then I get to Jada $17, Jonah $12, Josh $55 (little better), Judah $0. How could I have not gotten Judah a single thing all year? How do I make this right? What can I do to give the kids a decent and fair Christmas....all the questions brewing in the back of my mind.
Like any good parent I started brain storming. What can I do, where could I get money? I baby sitt our neighbor kids every morning. They owe me for about 13 weeks, maybe I could ask. Doug and I went over and asked, still waiting on an answer. Well maybe we could get a big gift though Rent A Center and pay it off when tax money comes. Checked and it really was a bad deal. So it would seem, every avenue was a dead end. Then during the kids classes yesterday our internet, phone and cable all were turned off. I called them begging to let it on till Friday. I explained it is in my budget for Friday, but I only have 20 bucks to my name till then. Not only will my kids be truant from school, but I have no way of calling our FSC to tell her our inter net is out....no deal. They really didn't care and the only way to get it turned on was to pay in full. After talking to one dept after another they agreed to turn it on for a deposit of $50. Well that could have as well been a million, cause I didn't have it. After scraping every corner of our house for change and taking a pair of jeans we got Josiah back to Kmart, we put it together. While in all the craziness of the day, Josiah saw his one and only gift I got that would have surprised any of the kids with, a WII guitar.
Officially I was bah humbugged!!! When will I ever learn when all circumstances in life seem impossible, that's when God shows up. I got this message last night "
Monday, November 19, 2012
A College Student at 35???
Sometimes in our lives when bad things happen to us we can react in one of two ways. We can either carry it as a burden, or we can push though it and reach new heights. God never promised us that bad things wouldn't happen to us, however He is with us though it(He will never leave me nor forsake me). How does that old saying go...."If He brought me to it, He'll bring me though it". Two months ago I felt life looked dim. I still don't understand totally why, however I do know it has pushed me to answer a call on my life I've had for many years.
The week after my miscarriage I went through some family issues, that still are not resolved. I hope they will be set right again in the future, but it may take time. The next week Doug escaped a layoff, but still had been reduced at work. Ever since they have been bouncing him from first to second shift at random. This not only has left our monthly budget tight, but pretty much bringing my crafty talents out for Christmas. I hope the kids like blankets, cause it looks like quilts will be the main gift under the tree this year (Christmas has been way to commercialize anyhow).
The week after that I had a friend cut me out of their life. Stopped answering my messages, wouldn't call me, I still don't know what I did to upset them so much. This was not just a friend, but one of my best friends. This made me question every friendship or friendly relationship I have. I began to click the unfriend button on social media like you wouldn't believe. I think I cut something like 75 "friends". I had many question me that maybe I had post partium depression. Maybe I should go see a doctor if I was feeling sad or angry. I've had post partum before, this is defiantly different. I had a fire set in me, a boldness not to shy away from issues that I had before.
With this fire came the discussion with my wonderful husband about perusing my passion, my calling. Many people that know me, know I sign. Those who know me better know not only do I sign, but I LOVE the deaf. I feel more comfortable around them, and confident too. With this love I have a deep burden for their souls. The statistic's are staggering of how many do not know Christ, many who don't go to church at all, and many who would love to go to church but there is no where for them to go. Imagine for a second what it would feel like if you lived in a world where very few knew your language, many that know your language can only speak your language, and very few can interpret your thoughts to others. Now try to find a church in that world. Try to make friends outside that group in your world. Now you have an idea of where my passion comes from.
After Dougs ok, some thought and some prayer I reapplied to a university that I applied to about a year and a half ago. When I applied the first time I got intimidated and quit the process. Having it made up in my mind all the reasons I shouldn't go though with this were valid reasons. I'm too old, I have six children that I educate at home, I can't afford it, how in the world would I ever grow a deaf church, would I be accepted as a minister by my peers....the list went on and on. I froze in my process and just dropped the whole idea, not this time though. After I reapplied I filled out the financial paper work, applied for some scholarships and finished the required steps needed to become a student in the spring.
I still have a few steps to go, but it is looking like I will be a student beginning January 4th. I will be majoring in sign language interpreting, with a minor in Bible. This may change, I would like to possibly double major adding theology into the mix. I am a little nervous, but I know I'm following the calling on my life. Serving the deaf, and reaching them for Christ is what I know God has called me to do, and if this is what I have to do to see that come to pass, then this is what I'm going to try to do. I am still very sad that I will never see my baby here on earth, but losing him or her has made me look at this very short life we've all been given on this earth. Not to make a difference would be a waste of the gift of time God has give to us. Now let me ask, how are you allowing situations in your life controlling your future, what are you doing with your time?
The week after my miscarriage I went through some family issues, that still are not resolved. I hope they will be set right again in the future, but it may take time. The next week Doug escaped a layoff, but still had been reduced at work. Ever since they have been bouncing him from first to second shift at random. This not only has left our monthly budget tight, but pretty much bringing my crafty talents out for Christmas. I hope the kids like blankets, cause it looks like quilts will be the main gift under the tree this year (Christmas has been way to commercialize anyhow).
The week after that I had a friend cut me out of their life. Stopped answering my messages, wouldn't call me, I still don't know what I did to upset them so much. This was not just a friend, but one of my best friends. This made me question every friendship or friendly relationship I have. I began to click the unfriend button on social media like you wouldn't believe. I think I cut something like 75 "friends". I had many question me that maybe I had post partium depression. Maybe I should go see a doctor if I was feeling sad or angry. I've had post partum before, this is defiantly different. I had a fire set in me, a boldness not to shy away from issues that I had before.
With this fire came the discussion with my wonderful husband about perusing my passion, my calling. Many people that know me, know I sign. Those who know me better know not only do I sign, but I LOVE the deaf. I feel more comfortable around them, and confident too. With this love I have a deep burden for their souls. The statistic's are staggering of how many do not know Christ, many who don't go to church at all, and many who would love to go to church but there is no where for them to go. Imagine for a second what it would feel like if you lived in a world where very few knew your language, many that know your language can only speak your language, and very few can interpret your thoughts to others. Now try to find a church in that world. Try to make friends outside that group in your world. Now you have an idea of where my passion comes from.
After Dougs ok, some thought and some prayer I reapplied to a university that I applied to about a year and a half ago. When I applied the first time I got intimidated and quit the process. Having it made up in my mind all the reasons I shouldn't go though with this were valid reasons. I'm too old, I have six children that I educate at home, I can't afford it, how in the world would I ever grow a deaf church, would I be accepted as a minister by my peers....the list went on and on. I froze in my process and just dropped the whole idea, not this time though. After I reapplied I filled out the financial paper work, applied for some scholarships and finished the required steps needed to become a student in the spring.
I still have a few steps to go, but it is looking like I will be a student beginning January 4th. I will be majoring in sign language interpreting, with a minor in Bible. This may change, I would like to possibly double major adding theology into the mix. I am a little nervous, but I know I'm following the calling on my life. Serving the deaf, and reaching them for Christ is what I know God has called me to do, and if this is what I have to do to see that come to pass, then this is what I'm going to try to do. I am still very sad that I will never see my baby here on earth, but losing him or her has made me look at this very short life we've all been given on this earth. Not to make a difference would be a waste of the gift of time God has give to us. Now let me ask, how are you allowing situations in your life controlling your future, what are you doing with your time?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)